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part dux

 I don’t even know.

Like seriously…

If two people are in love, or at least once where, and they miss each other, and they still care about the other…  shouldn’t that mean… well… ya know?

After all the lies, heart ache, pain, anger, hurt, everything…if you still think about that person…. Shouldn’t that mean… well… ya know?

If after being with somebody, or while being with somebody, you still miss this other person, think bout them… shouldn’t that mean… welll.. Ya know?

I don’t know maybe I’m the only who is still in love, maybe I'm the only who misses the other, maybe I'm the only one who still cares, maybe I'm the only one who can look past the lies and heartache and pain, and anger, and hurt. Maybe I’m the only one who still thinks about the other person   if only I were that important to you.

  

Maybe you’ve given up but I can’t seem to forget. I cant forget the good times, I cant forget what it felt like to be in your arms at night, I cant forget how you made everything al better, I cant forget how you would walk into a room and everyone else just disappeared, I cant forget how much you mean to me, I cant forget all the time we spent together being stupid, come, FROSTY FIGHTS, who does that? We do, we do that, because were stupid and in love and easily bored and even easier amused. 

Part I... theres more but i dont have time

Disclaimer: Chelsey if you do end up reading this, eventually, just remember you never forget your first true love, and for me that’s you. I don’t know if I'm that for you so whether or not you forget me just know this…..                      I’m Sorry; I Love You, Good Luck, and Goodbye.

I’m writing this because I'm idiot, and think its going to help me, I hope it does, I don’t know what else I can do to put this behind me.  I guess I'm writing this to tell myself; I’ll be okay, maybe its just wishful thinking, maybe not. I don’t have outline, I don’t know what I'm gunna write, there isn’t a rough draft, I wont revise this.  I don’t know if writing this will do me and good, and I don’t know if you reading this will do either of s any good. But I guess contrary to popular belief, I haven’t put this all behind me and hopefully, this will help. You would think after almost a year, I d be done and over all this crap, but apparently not, ay? But I'm finalllllly letting myself LET GO, MOVE ON and REALIZE…. EVERYTHING.           

  • To let go of what was once most important to me, to let go of you me, F&A.E 
  • To move on and let somebody else love me, and make me happy.
  • To realize what we had, what we were, what we hoped for, what I lost, and maybe even what she lost.

I still have a reminder set on my phone for the 17th of every month, and even though we haven’t talked in like three weeks, which I believe is the longest time we’ve ever gone not talking, and is bittersweet, extremely bitttttter sweeeeeet.…

       BITTTER= I guess you’re over me since you haven’t texted or called, outta sight outta mind, ay?     
       SWEET= surprisingly, I've been able to stop myself from texting you, which can be really hard… maybe I'm finally letting go?

…..and I've been trying not to think of you, but at exactly 12:00 the alarm goes off and it says, “Another Wasted”.

 

Disclaimer 2: this is probably going to be fairly long, slightly repetitive at some points, I’ll most likely get sappy, cry for a little, even more likely I’ll get angry, and curse a lot.. So you can either stop reading this, skim through it, or you can read this whole thing thru and finally know exactly how I feel, about everything. ((By the way, I'm sitting in my dorm, and I was listening to my itunes, and of course out of all the songs, “Bound to Happen” plays, frigggn’a, and talk about crying))


            So, where do I start? I guess I need to apologize for some things. I’m sorry for cheating on you, it was the worst mistake I made, ever. I’m sorry I gave up on us so many times, and I'm sorry I made you give up so many times. I’m sorry I lied to you. I’m sorry I hurt you, I’m sorry I hurt you, I’m sorry I hurt you. I’M SORRY.   I’m sorry I stop believing you, I’m sorry I stopped believing in you, I’m sorry I stopped believing in us.  I’m sorry I stopped trusting you. I’m sorry that you cut, I’m sorry couldn’t stop you. I’m sorry for blaming you when I cut. I’m sorry that I put you thru so much, I'm sorry for expecting too much. I’m sorry IF I broke your heart I’m sorry that I let you hurt me for so long, I’m sorry that you thought it was okay to play with my heart and emotions, I'm sorry that we ended up like this, I sorry I lost my best friend, I'm sorry I believed you when you said forever and always, I sorry I believed that you loved me, I'm sorry that forever and always eternity never meant to you what it did to me.  I’m sorry that I can’t think of anything to be sorry for but I am not, and will ever be sorry for loving you.


            I told you before that I believed after all this bullshit, even after we were with other people, even after we wanted to hate each other… we’d be together in the end.  But I lost faith in that and I realize, it won’t happen. It sucks, it hurts, but Ive come to accept that. I know that not everybody gets their fairy tale ending. I know you’ll make someone else’s fairy tale come true, you’ll be someone else’s knight in shining armor, and you’ll get your fairy tale But thank you for making me feel like a princess when we were together.            

Caledia 02.20.04

i copied this from my caleida journal. i cant believe the person i use to be....

 everyone thinks i'm crazy
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But i'm not
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maybe they are the crazy ones
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maybe you think i'm crazy
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i'm not crazy, jeez what are you crazy?




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yea carly's conseler person called our school nurse, i went down. Mrs nurse lady talked to me bout how upset carly was.... uh she asked me bout last night 
** took pills threw up took pills threw up threw up threw up**
uh yea anywayz, i can't believe i did that, hmmf, i keep seeing kelsey's face when i waving that knife telling her to kill me herself. geez that was great. hmmf anywayz. i started hyper-venalateing when i got upstairs, i was tryin to tell cait what happened then i got all shakey n couldnt breath ((thats always fun)) so ash n her helped me down the hallway. then the nurse helped me down the steps... blah blah blah stuff happens, i was in Mr. C.'s office blah blah 
"you need help"

NO SHIT! thanks for that fucking new flash! damn ok anywayz... they called my dad, i had to leave school, n if i dont go to SCIP by monday i cant go back to school. BULLSHIT! 

erg anywayz, got home n kyle n kelsey where home, lazy asses never went to school... my dad talked to my mom then he gave me the phone, uhhhm we had a great convo,

What the hell is wrong with you.... what the hell is your problem.. i can't trust you.... what where you thinking.. i dont neeed this"

wow its was amazing. so now i gotta wait for her to come home from her grandmother's funeral, n then i can go to SCIP. hmmf where i'll probly be liveing for the next couple of days/weeks/months. 

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME!?!?!?
*100 million to whoever can answer that*

erg i REALLY REALLY REALLY wanna be MAD at carly. but i cant. she told cuz she "loves" me n she "cares" i'm just well iono, i jsut cant believe she did that. but i'm not mad at her for what she did..


erg i cant believe how selfish i am. i put people thru so much of my shit, they got they're own shit to worry bout. damn what is wrong with me?!?!....
i cant deal with this anymore....


Much love to Jill-ness and Carly Corn

Gina- i seriously might take you up on ur offer. cuz i dont wanna stay in SCIP

<3 Kay-Marie

hmm for ppl who dont know
SCIP- is the place in the ER at lordes for the crazy people. 
i think it stands for... Suicidal Crazy Iterrupted People

Seven Months =)

There are so many people who I am grateful for in my life.  But right now, on this day I am most grateful for my friends. I have gone seven very difficult months, and because of people who TRULY love and care about me I am still here.  Keara, Gina, Rudy, Jeff, those four people will always have a place in my heart. I honestly believe that because of these people I am here. With their love and support I am living the life I am meant to live.

For the first time in a long while I think I'm happy, well, I’m pretty sure this is what happy feels like. I still have the urge, the thought, but I don’t let it take me. I’ve become bigger than the blade. Finally I am stronger then the blade. Strong and tougher then Chelsey’s words, or Kelsey’s actions, stronger than all the hate people have for me. I am finally strong enough to not cut, to be happy and to live my life to the fullest. To be happy, happy. I’m finally happy.  

I remember being in 8th grade thinking id never see it to high school graduation. Thinking I would have been gone by then. I just, I remember Keara and I almost crying in the middle of bio & math, talking about me seeing my 18th birthday. Well I'm 18, a high school graduate and a college freshman. I am here and I am happy, and I will over come.

Its so hard to think about how I use to be, how angry and upset I was. I was depressed, I needed help, I wasn’t in denial, but I think my family was. 8th grade was bad, but Jill and carleigh, and Gina helped me get thru it. And I was lucky enough to find Keara at TCA, and she has become and will remain the most important person in my life. She never doubted me, not once, and always believe I would make it.

I can’t even begin to comprehend the pain I put people thru because of my stupid mistakes. It was selfish, and I know realize that, however, I also now have a greater appreciation of their love for me.  The main people (Keara and Jeff in high school, Jill and carleigh 7th & 8th grade, and Gina from the time we met, to now) were there thru different stages and phases of my life. And each has helped me in a different way. 

I will never forget the time it was in like January, or maybe earlier, whatever… I had a bad day at school, and was pretty upset, and Jeff and Keara tried calling me (but my bum self was knocked out) and they got so worried, (mostly heffay), that they where about to drive from Trenton down to Willingboro just to make sure was okay. That night I texted Jeff for hours about everything, he was amazing.  We stayed up until it was time to get ready for school. Everything he said made sense and was true. I was better than the blade, better than the pills, and better than how “they” ever treated me. I think that night was a major step for me, first to know that they both cared so much about me, and second that they would always be there.

Davis, just amazes me, she put up with my shit for FOUR MUTHA FUCKIN YEARS. Fuck everybody else and their bullshit, Keara Davis is the one person in my life that was always there for me, no matter what. No mater what time it was. No matter what day. No matter what Keara was there. And I know it probably isn’t easy to hear your best friend talk about killing herself, but she was strong, strong for me and strong for her. She to me is the quintessential friend. I honestly look up to her, for being able to help me thru so much, while still having to deal with her own shit. She is amazing.

 

I could be gone.  I could have ended it, and for some reason, a divine power, a spiritual force, a special connection, or a bonding friendship, whatever the reason…

I AM STILL HERE. I AM ALIVE,

I HAVE A PURPOSE.

I can’t help but think, like damn, I could not be here. I could be dead, I could be off in some mental hospital, and I could be cutting right now.

                           BUT I’M NOT.

THERE IS A REASON I AM STILL HERE, I AM CONVINCED.

I NEED TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD

I NEED TO CHANGE SOMEBODY’S LIFE

I NEED TO HELP SOMEBODY LIKE ALL THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE LOVED ME

I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY,

& DAY-BY-DAY I THINK I AM FINALLY ALLOWING MYSLEF TO OPEN UP,………..

FORGIVE

LET GO

START OVER.

 

 

NO REGRETS – JUST MISTAKES - & LESSONS LEARNED

 

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